Will My Spouse’s Bad Behaviour Affect Our Divorce Settlement?

“She’s had an affair with someone from work. Surely that means I’ll get more in the divorce?”

“He’s controlled all our money for years. The court will punish him for that, won’t they?”

“She’s been verbally abusive throughout our marriage. That has to count for something.”

I hear these questions almost daily. And I understand why – when your spouse has behaved badly, it feels deeply unfair if that behaviour doesn’t matter when dividing your finances.

The uncomfortable truth? In most cases, it won’t.

But there are exceptions. Let me explain when conduct actually crosses the line.

The Court’s Real Focus

When a judge divides finances on divorce, they’re asking practical questions: What does each of you need to live? What assets are available? Who contributed what during the marriage? Do either of you have specific needs?

The court isn’t there to punish bad behaviour. That surprises people, but the law sees divorce as untangling a financial partnership – not delivering justice for emotional wrongs.

Why Affairs Almost Never Matter

Your spouse’s affair might have ended your marriage and caused you enormous pain. But the court won’t reduce their share of the finances because of it.

Why? Because who was “at fault” for the breakdown doesn’t change what each person needs to live going forward, or what assets are available to meet those needs.

The one exception: if your spouse spent recklessly on the affair – expensive gifts, secret holidays, running up credit card debt – that financial waste might be taken into account. But it’s the wasting of money that matters, not the affair itself.

What Else Doesn’t Count

After twenty years in family law, I’ve heard every variation. Most don’t meet the legal threshold:

• Being difficult during the divorce – refusing to cooperate, dragging their feet, making the process painful. Frustrating, but not grounds for reducing their settlement.

• General relationship problems – arguments, lack of emotional support, being controlling in non-financial ways, growing apart.

• Different spending habits – unless we’re talking about deliberate, reckless destruction of assets.

• Being a “bad” spouse – lack of affection, prioritising work over family, not pulling their weight with childcare.

These feel significant when you’re living through them, but the court won’t factor them into the financial division.

When Conduct Actually Matters

The law says conduct counts if it would be “inequitable to disregard it” – which basically means: so bad that ignoring it would be deeply unfair.

The threshold is exceptionally high. We’re talking about extreme situations.

• Serious violence or abuse

A husband convicted of attempting to murder his wife in a violent attack in front of their children went to prison for twelve years. The court said his conduct was so extreme that he should receive only a small portion of the assets.

More recently, there’s been recognition that sustained coercive and controlling behaviour can be serious enough to matter. A case decided last November involved a wife who lied for years that she was becoming a High Court judge, demanded large sums for fictional “judicial trips”, subjected her husband to years of coercive control and physical violence, and made false allegations of sexual abuse. She had previous criminal convictions for fraud.

The judge reduced her settlement significantly because her conduct was so extreme that ignoring it would be unfair.

But look at the level of behaviour involved. This isn’t normal divorce territory.

• Hiding or deliberately wasting money

This is the conduct issue I see most often succeed.

Your husband gambles away £50,000 in the six months before your divorce, knowing you’re separating. Your wife secretly transfers £30,000 to her sister to keep it out of the settlement. Significant sums spent on a new partner – lavish gifts, expensive trips.

The court can “add back” that money – treating it as if it’s still there to be divided, even though it’s gone.

The key word is “deliberate”. If your spouse has a gambling problem that’s destroyed assets, but they weren’t deliberately trying to reduce what you’d get, the court takes a different view. You have to “take your partner as you find them” – flaws and all.

In one case, a husband spent £6,000 per week on cocaine and sex work. The judge said this was down to his flawed character, not a deliberate attempt to cheat his wife. Nothing was added back.

The law distinguishes between someone being weak or addicted versus someone deliberately sabotaging the pot of money to spite their spouse.

• One spouse hiding what they own

Full financial disclosure is mandatory. You both have to declare everything – bank accounts, pensions, property, investments, business interests.

If your spouse deliberately conceals assets or lies about what they have, that’s conduct the court will take seriously.

In one case, a wife managed all the family assets because her husband was illiterate and trusted her. During the marriage, she’d bought and sold assets, deliberately hiding her actions and moving money beyond his reach. The court found this economic abuse was serious enough that she received less than she otherwise would have.

• Refusing to engage with the court process

If your spouse ignores court orders, refuses to provide disclosure, or behaves so unreasonably that your legal costs spiral, the judge can order them to pay towards your fees.

In one high-value case, a wife spent £1.9 million on legal fees compared to her husband’s £987,000. The judge found she’d been reckless, ignoring warnings, pursuing unreasonable arguments. £800,000 was added back to her assets to reflect the unfairness.

What About Emotional Abuse?

Coercive control – where one partner systematically undermines, isolates, controls and diminishes the other – can be devastating. The impact on your confidence, your ability to work, your sense of self, even your physical health, can be profound.

But proving it’s affected finances is difficult.

Did the controlling behaviour stop you from advancing in your career? Has it affected your earning capacity? Have you incurred costs for therapy? These financial consequences can potentially be factored in.

Some judges now recognise that requiring exact financial losses from coercive control creates unfairness – the damage is real even if it’s hard to measure in pounds and pence. That’s what the November case acknowledged.

But I need to be clear: this remains contested territory. Different judges take different views. Cases involving psychological abuse without clear financial consequences remain extremely difficult to win.

If you’ve experienced coercive control, that matters enormously for other aspects of your case – safety planning, child arrangements, potentially getting court orders for protection. But whether it will change the financial settlement remains uncertain.

What Actually Helps Your Case

For most people facing divorce, your energy is better spent on:

• Getting full financial disclosure – If your spouse has controlled the finances or you don’t know what assets exist, getting complete disclosure is your priority. We can obtain court orders forcing disclosure if needed.

• Protecting assets now – If money is being wasted or assets hidden, we can get court orders freezing assets or preventing your spouse from disposing of property. Acting quickly matters.

• Being clear about your needs – What do you need for housing? Income? Pension provision? The court will focus on meeting needs, so being realistic about yours is essential.

• Focusing on children’s welfare – If you have children, their needs come first. Where will they live? What arrangements work for them? This often drives financial decisions more than conduct ever could.

• Exploring settlement – Most cases settle without trial. If you can reach an agreement that meets your needs – even if it feels less than perfectly “fair” given your spouse’s behaviour – you’ll save time, money and emotional energy.

When to Seek Urgent Legal Advice

Despite conduct rarely mattering, there are situations where you need specialist guidance immediately:

• Domestic abuse of any kind – you may need protective court orders   
• Assets being hidden or moved – we can get freezing orders but need to act fast
• Your spouse pressuring you to sign financial agreements – especially without independent legal advice
• Significant sums being wasted deliberately – the sooner we act, the more we can protect
• You’re being denied access to money you need to live – this is financial abuse

The Bottom Line

The behaviour that devastated you emotionally often won’t change your financial settlement. The court isn’t there to punish your spouse or deliver the justice you feel you deserve for years of hurt.

But in truly extreme cases – serious violence, systematic fraud, deliberate destruction of assets, coercive control that’s damaged your ability to earn – the law does recognise that ignoring such conduct would be unfair.

What matters most is getting advice specific to your situation. Every case turns on its own facts. What your friend experienced or what you’ve read online doesn’t tell you what will happen in your divorce.

The question isn’t “was my spouse’s behaviour bad?” – it’s “does this behaviour meet the legal threshold, and will pursuing it actually help my case?”

Often, the answer is to focus on what you can control: getting proper disclosure, protecting assets, being clear about your needs, and working towards a settlement that lets you move forward.

For a confidential discussion about your divorce and financial settlement, contact me on 01904 862176 or email: fulfordlegalservices@outlook.com

I’ll give you clear, realistic advice about what matters in your specific situation.